I'm so bored. And I feel weird. Like I'm sick of life, you know? It's pointless.
Things happen, and I always have this big burning desire to tell someone, to sit down with someone in person and babble and get it all out. Then I realise I really don't want to go through it all again, repeating it all over again makes me sick. But at the same time I'm wishing someone, anyone in this world, knew about all that I wanted to tell them.

After thinking about it again, I realise maybe I want to tell someone, and I want to be able to lean on that person and cry cry cry. Does this even make sense?

The MSN windows are flashing and I'm listening to Freddie through my computer's headphones and I have the strangest feeling that I'm the only still object in the room. It feels like the rest of the world is swirling around me, and the computer screen is point zero.

before it might have made some sense but now it's all fucked up.

you know sometimes life reminds me of the time Hoobastinky (Hoobastank) came to Singapore and I don't like them but Sheryl Tay dragged me down to Sentosa to watch them from the outside of the tent cause we weren't paying money to see them, and we peered through the backstage tent and saw the drummer and then got chased away by security.

yeah sometimes life reminds me of that, situations like that.




fun, yet pointless.

DOOR
BITCH
PICTURES!

The Door Bitches at large!!
(yes thanks to Gillian, very long overdue!)

Ok I did this last night when I was so so boreeeeeed. haha.

I went out with Gillian today! Finally, it's been ages since I've seen her, and she'll be going back to Melbourne soon again! Damn fuck shit, I come back from Melb and live here, and everyone moves to Melbourne!

I'm jinxed ):

Anyway, I had to rehash the whole thing with E again so Gil knew, and well let's just say it was comforting to hear her get riled up on my behalf. Haha. But no matter what, no matter what I still feel I'll never get back together with him again, I guess things will never be the same anymore.
Thanks Gil for making me think about all that (:

Over over OVER and out.

Rock Ex was fucking awesome last night.
Dong says I was high but I was fucking not! I could sober up and act normal ok! I'm sure your mum didn't suspect anything hurrhurr.

anyway.


HAHAAHAH.

Yes Vivien Sim Li Jun. They'll come for you when you sleep. They'll walk one by one, in a neat line. They'll go marching up your bed and into your head. They'll TAKE OVER and you'll have little evil gnomes infesting your brrrrrrrain!

ok I'm bored so sue me.

Dong's jealous cause I don't get red and high after one little magic bottle. whahaha jealous pot*!

Carl's Jr. in Shenton Way has a cute counter staff! His name is Shaun and Dong says he looks a bit like Utt. I just think he looks cute. haha.

Aaaaand today I enrolled into Singapore Polytechnic.
Hardcore, baby! I belong. But I'm not joining any cca, no camps, no barbecues.

awesomeeeeeeeee.


*hey jealous pot thanks for keeping me company the whole day! I really appreciate it, I was less lost than the other greenies today! (:

Charles cracks people up!

Well, Dong and me anyway.

haha.

I guess you don't care!

ahh, fuck you.

I
Don't
Care
About
You
!


so if I don't, why does it hurt?

It's before nine-thirty in the morning and I'm on the computer.
It's before nine-thirty and I'm confused.
Yes I'm confused again.
I spend my life in a constant state of confusion of varying degrees of intensity.
I still care.
I don't like your cryptic messages.
I guess I should be glad (?) that you still bother to text sometimes.
Should I?
I wish I knew what you were thinking.
I think I miss you.
Do you miss me too?
I wish I knew what to do.
When I hear about you, hear where you've been, I feel funny.
Like there's part of me that wishes I just knew about your life without having to hear it second, third hand from other people.
But then again, it's not my right to know anymore.
But I still feel,
still feel for you.
I just wish I knew about you too,
wish I knew whether you feel the same.

OMG fuck yeah!!


awesomeradcoolness!!!

I got a call yesterday from SP, and I really wasn't expecting it! See they told me that I'd have to wait 'til the first week of April, and I'd get the results of the interview in the mail.

So when I got the call yesterday, I was at work, and I really didn't expect it! I was so happy I wanted to cry, right there in the lobby. I actually had tears in my eyes and I gave Gamazzi quite a fright. hahaha.
I'm still so happy!!

awesome!!

Anyway, after work I met Dong, we did some stuff then met up with Charles and went to Esplanade to catch EIC and Rivermaya.

EIC were tight, and good, Siva is a great vocalist. But they're musicians, not rockstars! (To quote Dong)

Rivermaya!
OMG awesome! They're really good. And the crowd was crazzzzyyyyyyy! The whole place was packed, and half of them were philippnos. Ok I can't spell that word. But seriously, they were swamping. So supportive!
Local bands can't match that support. Really.

And Charles was in seventh heaven, cloud nine, whatever, cause he had a whole pack of cigarettes. Finally he buys his own. Muahaha. I wanna get him a cigar, just to watch what'd happen.

hurrhurr.

anyway today was fucked up and I don't wanna talk about it.
I'm just glad I'm in Singapore Polytechnic DMC.
I'm going down on Monday to collect the admission package.

and I've realised I now saw "awesome" a lot.

awesome.

is it so wrong..

if I choose to separate my family life
from my friends
and my work life?

they're three totally different things. and I like that.
I love that.
I love how I can go to work, interact with a set of people there, meet friends who are totally not related to work, chill and goof off with them, then return to my safe, secure, boring family life.

just accept it, why can't you, damn it. why must I mix everything up together? if I do I always have that wary feeling, like it'll all be on the brink of erroding into each other and destroying everything from all angles.

in other words. I like to keep things separate.

just accept it.

fuck.

How Nic's tastes (in guys) runs:

1. single
2. wear shoes
3. musician
4. good looking
5. english good
6. likes the same type of music

and there are a myriad of other factors.

haha.

Have you heard the song "Classifieds" by The Academy Is...?
Ok guess not. The first verse goes

"My life reads like the classifieds.
Pages of what's for sale,
whats on the auction block?
Attention bidders, its Lot 45,
He's got a decent voice; he's got that crooked smile.
Hold on, you havent heard the best yet...
He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes.
So, take him home for just $9.95,
he'll sing the songs you like,
he'll keep you warm at night (at night)."

oh man. that's my boy! hahaha.

Where do I sign up? :P

haha. I want a boy who'd do that for me.

awww, so sweet, I'm is secretly sentimental! :x

Heh, anyway Dong, if I get into DMC I'll buy you a meal! Or give you a biiiiiiiiiiiig, biiiiiiig kiss. HAHA.

So today..

Nic got kissed (on the cheek, sadly, hurr hurr) by a hot Brazillian footballer!

This group of 7 Brazillian footballers and one local Malay footballer checked into the hotel yesterday. Just my luck eh, not to work on Sunday. haha.

Anyway, today Prem (security guy) and I were checking them out the whole morning, deciding that they were all collectively hot. Very. Very. Hot.
Then around 11:15am they started checking out of the hotel, and Nic was sad! hahahaha.
(you think I'm bad, Prem has been observing them since yesterday. I guess he wants to be as hot as them. HAHA. And I spent a good half hour discussing hot guys with him. muahaha)

I was showing a couple where the Chatterbox was, and walking back I had to cross the lobby, and when I was walking across the lobby the footballers were grouped together. They were taking photos, but I didn't know.
So I just continuted walking along the edge of the lobby, heading back to the main doors, when the Malay footballer, who was holding a camera, motioned me over.

And me being the doofus I am, pointed to myself and mouthed "me?" and he grinned and nodded.
So I went to the group, and one of the hotties put his arm around me and we took pictures. Hell, I want a copy! damndamndamnn.

Haha so after that the hottie kissed me on the cheek and they left.

AWWWW, so sadddd. ):
LOL.

Anyway, I stopped work at 12 and was stupendeously early for my Singapore Polytechnic interview, which was at three, so I loitered in various MRT stations, reading The Godfather.
While sitting on a bench at City Hall Interchange, I ran into Gamazzi, who was on the way to meet Hirol.
I asked Gamazzi where he was headed and he replied
"to buy sneakers"
So I asked him what sneakers he wanted.
And fuck, he's gonna get Louis Vuitton sneakers! At $650 a pair.
Damn, Kumkuat is waaay too rich to work as a bellboy. But I guess it's his family's money, so...

At 2:50pm I was sitting in the General Office of the School of Business in SP, waiting for my interview. There were three or four other people there, thankfully I was first in line for the interview so I cut down on waiting time.

I honestly don't know how it went, I guess it went good, but right now I have no idea what my chances are. If I don't get into Singapore Poly's DMC I'd just die.

are you reading this Low Lay Heng!!?!?

guess not.
duh no.

After that, I took the train (gasp, train!) all the way down to Lavender station to meet Dong and Alwyn. Alwyn was getting something done with his passport, and he and Dong were acting like a lovey-dovey couple. Aww, so touching!

Anyway. I have to make a report. Dong Tianzhao skipped on the train fair from Lavender to City Hall station!

come on everyone, say FREELOADERRRR!

Reason being he and Alwyn were fooling around and Dong got pushed through the barrier and didn't get to tap his card. Haha. Awesome, I shall try that next time. Pick some unsuspecting hot guy and stick real real close. heh.

From City Hall the loving couple went off to watch Underworld Evolution and I took the bus back home.



Guess some wounds are healing, but time will tell.

ohmigosh watch this. The kid in green? So so cute. HAHA.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naLbJKDszHw&search=pokemon

Last night was stupendouslyawesomeradcoolness!

After lesson, I went with Din, Viv, Adrian and Lawrence for dinner opposite Raffles Hotel. Dong joined us and after dinner Dong and I met his friend Charles and went to the Arts House to watch Astreal, Lunarin and Electrico play, and we were joined by two guys from Vendetta.

Astreal's bassist had this gorgeous flying vee bass, but they weren't that tight, and well, their 'spacy' prog rock made me sleeeeeeepy. Honestly, I almost fell asleep haha. Lunarin were much tighter, the bassist's tone sounded like rubber bands stretched over a tissue box though. heh. They had an awesome drummer, and the guitarist had the guitar I want! The Les Paul standard! In black and white. Droooooooool!

After Lunarin's set Dong, Charles and I left for House of Rock, and there the fun began! Well it wasn't as much fun as it was embarrassing, for Dong and me least. Upon entering HOR the hostesses asked if we wanted a drink. Charles asked for the drink list, and the prices of practically every drink there, and finally the bartender came out and told him. It was so embarrassing. haha.

Finally he ordered a shot of Jack Daniels, and Dong and I ordered a coke. When the hostess reappeared with the drinks, Charles realised that they'd mixed his Jack Daniels with coke, so he tried explaning to them he just wanted the alcohol, no coke.

So the hostess came back with like 2cm of Jack Daniels in this huge glass, and Charles took a look at it and was like "14 dollars for that!"

hellooooo blur man, it's a shot! How much do you expect!

Ming came around 10:40pm and Ministry of Rock started playing soon after. He witnessed some of Charles' drink-ordering misadventures and asked me

"Is Charles your friend? He's fucking green!"

haha, Nooooo way man, I've never known Charles before last night!

After a while, Charles asked for ice to dilute his Jack Daniels, which was like this tiny bit left in his glass. Some confusion later, the hostess reappeared with a new glass of Jack Daniels for him. Then Charles started grumbling that he only asked for ice, and made the hostess give him the shot for free!
Yeah, she said it was free, and it was free for Charles.. it was on Ming! We only found out after that, when we left and were standing outside calculating the bill.

Then this other hostess - probably the prettiest one there - came and sat down in between Dong and Charles, and since I guess it looked like Dong and I were together and Ming was facing the other way on the other side of the table, she started talking to Charles. Charles was so retarded, the hostess kept asking him to buy her a drink, and Charles was like "I got no cash!" hahaha, too bad woman.

Somehow their conversation led to each other's age, it turns out that she's 21, and Charles went "so which school are you at!"
hahah so damn funny.
Plus, everytime she tried to talk to Charles he kept having this weird look, and tried to turn away.
Finally she asked whether we wanted to write out song requests and took that opportunity to run off.
I don't blame her!

We left the pub around midnight after talking to Paul the guitarist for a while. Paul is awesome, friendly too, and the freaky thing is apparently he knows who I am on SOFT.com.sg. Haha.

Dong's mum gave me and Charles a lift home, and we took a little detour to Geylang to 'sightsee'. HAHA. It was rather empty, I guess the hookers were busy doing their thing. heh. And I blew a kiss to one cause she was putting on lipstick and she gave me this weird smile and shook her boobs at me. whahahaha.

Well it was a great night, I got home and felt kinda tired so I went to sleep, and I slept half the day away today too. heh.

Tonight Dong's at the Esplanade watching this guitarist who's ranked among the top 50 in the world by Guitar World magazine, and he asked me to go along, so I asked my mum and she gave this biiiiiiig fucking fake sigh, and started bitching.

Hellooo woman, I have my own life to live too, I'm fucking eighteen soon, you can't control my life forever!

arghpfft.

And I've got an interview tomorrow with Singapore Polytechnic! Ahhhh, I was so happy when I saw that letter I almost cried right at the letter box area. heh, I'm pathetic, I know.

still:

sick
sneezing
coughing
feeling lost
feeling lousy
confused
in dire need of new people to stimulate my dying brain
bored
yes, still very bored
and still very whiny.

kill me, please.

So I met Dong after work and we went to watch Big Momma's House 2. It's a retarded show. However, the boyfriend, Chad, and the FBI agent (was his name Kevin?) anyway. They're hot! hahaha.

God if you can hear me out alright
please take these feelings for him inside
my chest hurts when I breathe tonight
it's wasting me away,
wasting me away.

I'm still lost.
Irregardless of whatever you've said, I'm still lost.

I really am.

I need to take my mind off things. Lately I find I have too much time to think.
No matter what I'm doing, thoughts just haunt me, chasing and gnashing their jaws on the edge of my conscious being.

It's killing me.

On the upside.
I love Dong's mum.
haha.

Ok to get me interested in you (oh firstly you have to be a guy! haha)
1. speak well
2. wear shoes out, not slippers!
3. be single. (haha, this is duhhhhh)
4. like the same type of music
5. being a musician is a plus
6. and good to look at is a definite plus! (;
7. interest me.

haha, pathetic.
but I've sat down and thought about it, and yeah, that's what I look for in a guy.

haha.
awesomeradcoolness.

Why?

When you do find the words, please tell me.
Write me a letter, call me up, email me.
Anything.
Just let me know why.
Why?
What we had was so good, if you say that all you've said before wasn't a lie, then just let me know why, why the sudden change?
I sit up for more than half the night just thinking, trying to find where it went wrong. And I can't think of anything, can't pinpoint anything.
I stay awake with the tiniest sliver of hope that you'd explain yourself.
What are the wrong reasons? Enlighten me, because right now I'm wandering around, lost, wondering.

Don't hurt yourself, you said.
I can't do much more damage than you've already done anyway.

I'm so lost right now you've no idea.
Will you even read this?
So much has changed, at least on your behalf.
Do you hurt too?
Or not.

Where are you when I need you?
Sometimes I feel like we don't know each other anymore. And that just plain scares me.

a whisper of yesterday's.

My voice is goneeeeeee! I can barely speak. No, fuck that, I can't speak at all. It takes so much effort to get a few words out. So I go around whispering everything, and damn do I sound like a freak.
And when I blow my nose? Sometimes blood comes out. And my throat feels like it has a million raw, red scratches and a wad of tissue stuck there.

To top that all off, I have no medication whatesoever. Yes, it's true. The doctor is staying in the house for a week and nope, no medicine.
My mum called an hour ago, from Nepal. She almost died laughing when she heard my 'voice', and now she's sitting in her hotel room crying and worrying and feeling angry because my father is chasing balls around a golf course in Sentosa and has not given me any medicine since I lost my voice a couple of days ago.

my family is brilliant.

I feel grossly sick but I don't want to stay at home. Urgh. I feel like going out and wandering around somewhere.

yes I'm restless again.
it's that kind of day again.
what's new.
I want to go out to a spot where there's sunshine, some shade and a breeze, sit down, listen to Freddie and read a book.

Just that when I'm out I can't order food, ask for directions or talk to people. haha.

I love walking around by myself when the sun is shining and the sky is the most beautiful blue. When the wind makes the trees whisper and my hair acts wild it just makes me glad to be alive, regardless of whatever shit may be happening to me.
Ah. Enjoy life, kids.

no fucking way

I've been shoved into Republic Poly's Event Management!?
wtf
I'm not standing for this.

I'm appealing to Singapore Polytechnic!

It's been an awful day. First the shit about the school posting,
Then Gil and I can't collect pay (and it's like two weeks pay for us) cause the Front Office people are just incompetant fuckers and we spent over an hour arguing with a cashier whose IQ is lower than a retarded cactus,
And people don't act like normal, no they really don't and today it's not my fucking fault, I try, I tried, I really do, I really did!
Then I realise it's probably the last time I'll see Gillian for ages (unless I meet her tomorrow)
My father runs off every night leaving me and Nig alone when he's meant to be looking after us while my mother's away (what kind of father is this?!)

AND. To top it all off, I'm losing my fucking voice now. It's funny and kinda jumping around. Sore throat.
Being sick sucks.

It doesn't sound like much, I know, but you haven't experienced it first hand, or at least from my shoes, so you have no idea how tired and depressed and how lost I've been the whole day.

I need to run off and have a good cry. I've wanted to cry so many times today but I've bitten my lip, choked back my tears and blanketed my feelings, supressing my burning eyes and now it's all gotten a bit too much.
So many times, fuck, so many fucking times.

If I don't ever get my course I think I'll just obliterate myself. They'll never find my body and everyone can just forget all about me, who cares anyway?
(wait no I'm sure Julian Casablancas will miss me! HAHA OK WTF NEVER MIND!)

Dong, today you've been my lifesaver. Really you have. I was at an end today and you really helped pick me up. I really appreciate all you're doing to help me.
Thanks so much (:

nahbeicheebye! aisiokanmai!!
nahbeicheebye! aisiokanmai!!
nahbeicheebye! aisiokanmai!!
nahbeicheebye! aisiokanmai!!
sorry! too much Boredphucks!
HAHA

Sick Nic!
do you still feel butterflies when you're next to me?
If I recall correctly, sometime last year I had a post of a (very) similar title. HAHA well. Recycling's good, kids.
or do you feel the steady, secure beat of wings, say, like an eagles'?
Anyhoo. I'm sick and I hate it. (Honestly, who likes it anyway?!) When I breathe out my nose feels like it's on fire, I'm hot and cold and it constantly changes, my throat is sore and persistantly dry no matter how much water I drink (and I've drank a lot) and when I touch my skin it tingles and hurts, burrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnsssss, it burnssssssssss!!! ):
Nic you talk shit. Whatcha gonna do bout it?!
Not a happy camper. haha.

OH OH I just found out from Viv that Bob (not his real name) had public caning in school today, for yawning in a teacher's class!

HAHAHA WTF.